The Wise One is the one who...

The Wise One is the one who 

  LISTENS instead of talks.   

(Chinese proverb)
 

I was in my early twenties when that message came out of my fortune cookie. It was January, a new year, and I thought, "Ok, I'll try it. It's my turn to be quiet and listen." I was shocked; I was amazed. I felt like I was really seeing people, even my family members, for the first time. I had been so busy with the running dialog in my head, with what I wanted to say that I never saw people for who they were. It was myfirst experience with real, true listening and it was powerful stuff. 

To listen without an agenda; to listen with only the intention of understanding the other person is an immeasurable gift to give. Whether it's business or personal, whether you are relationship building or repairing, to truly listen with empathy and understanding creates a powerful connection filled with trust, validation and support. 

 
In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey's habit #5 is "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." To learn empathetic listening as he calls it, practice these skills in progressive order: 

1.    Mimic content - listen to the speakers words and repeat them back
       Friend: "I'm tired. It's been a long day and I'm glad it's over."
       You:  "You've had a long day and you're tired." 
This seems easy but can be harder than you think.

2.    Rephrase the content
       Friend: "I'm tired. It's been a long day and I'm glad it's over."
       You: "You've worked really hard today and it's taken a toll on you."

3.    Reflect the feeling
       Friend: "I'm tired. It's been a long day and I'm glad it's over."
       You: "You sound drained and relieved."
Note that your response will take into account context, nonverbal cues and a      history of knowledge about your friend, loved one, or associate. Any number of responses from you may be relevant depending upon the circumstances.

4.    Rephrase the content and reflect the feeling
       Friend: "I'm tired. It's been a long day and I'm glad it's over."
       You: "You worked hard today and are worn out. You sound relieved to be home."

Practice with relationships already on solid ground instead of ones in need of repair.  Share that you are trying to learn a new skill to be a better friend, mate, coworker, etc.

I was in the early stages of a relationship when a misunderstanding arose. My feelings were hurt when he said something that I construed as insensitive. I voiced my hurt with him and the first thing he did was drop everything and intently listen.  He wanted to make sure he understood what had happened and how I felt. Only then did he proceed to explain and apologize (seeking first to understand, then to be understood). I was floored. I had been listened to; I had been validated. And receiving his apology happened as naturally as breathing. He had been gracious, patient, kind and empathetic, not defensive, distrustful, or offended. And by what seemed to be osmosis, I felt that way too. Not only had our relationship been repaired but was on firmer ground than before.

Love and light,

Cindy

Forward 

sssshhh listen...

For 10 seconds, close your eyes, breathe and listen. 

10

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1

Ahhhhhh

Listening is one of the highest ways we not only honor others but honor ourselves.  By putting the outside world on hold and taking a moment to slow down, we honor our need to . . . just . . . be.

(And for those of you who think you can’t meditate, you just did.)

This month practice 2 kinds of listening: 

Listening to the space

Sit in a quiet place.  Silence potential interruptions - phones, computers, etc.  Close your eyes, breathe and listen.  Notice the noises around you; listen to and feel your breath.  Do this for any amount of time which feels comfortable. 

Do it at a stop light, on public transportation, before you go to bed, even on the toilet, anywhere will do. 

Listening to the space releases stress.  You reconnect with calm and focused energy. 

Listening to yourself

In last month’s blog, I wrote about listening to our inner expert, our intuition.  This month, practice listening to your inner expert. 

Prepare a question you want the answer to, especially one where you want to access your intuition.  For practice, use questions such as

What’s most important right now?

What do you want?

What do I want today?

(You may use the first person, I, or the second person, you, whichever works best.)

Sit in a quiet place, visualize sinking down into your solar plexus, the place just above your belly where your ribs separate.  If you want, place your hand there and listen.  Ask the question and then listen. 

I find it helpful to keep a journal nearby to record the experience. 

For 10 seconds, close your eyes, breathe and listen. 

Love and light,

Cindy

Forward to friends and family or sign them up to receive newsletters here    To find out more about Cindy and her coaching or to schedule a session contact us at: Email: growmyself@gmail.com                                    Phone: 415.987.6983

I know where you can find all the answers

For centuries, philosophers have written about our potential to be anything, to achieve our extraordinary capacity for greatness.    

And what better subject to be the guru than on yourself?

YOU are the expert on YOU.

All the answers you need, all the advice and counsel you seek, all the guidance you want is already there.  No one has walked farther in your shoes; no one understands your needs, your desires, or your failings better than you.

One of the pillars of my training as a coach is 

Re-read that sentence a few times applying it yourself.  "I am naturally creative, resourceful and whole.” 

Do you believe it?  Trust in it? 

If the answer is “yes” then read no more. 

If “no” or that hesitant “not yet” then read on. 

How do I trust that I am creative, resourceful and whole?

By simply listening.  When I need my inner expert I ask the question and then I’m quiet and I listen. 

Each of us is different in this process.  One of my friends Karen knows the answers to her questions before she’s done asking them.  I am on the other end of spectrum.  The answers don’t always come right away.  Sometimes they show up long after I’ve forgotten I asked the question, but they arrive nonetheless. 

Then why do I need a coach?

For those of you thinking “Uh, Cindy, you just talked yourself out of a job, If I’m the expert on me, what do I need you for?” 

My answer:  One of the wisest people I know has the messiest, most disastrous life I’ve seen.  Seeing ourselves clearly and objectively, following our inner counsel can be a monumentally difficult task.  And that’s where I come in. 

I ask you “What do you want?”, listen to the answer and then hold up the mirror.  Because I know the BEST person to get you what you want and show you how to get there is YOU.  

Love and light,

Cindy

 

What Dirty Harry knows about Life Coaching

 






















In the movie Dirty Harry, Clint Eastwood delivers the line: 
 

"You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya punk?"

I'm taking the quote out of context and while I would never call any client a punk, the questions stands.  

 

Do you feel lucky? 

 

In the last four years, two scientists, Maia Young and Richard Wiseman, have studied people who answer "Yes" versus those who answer "No" to that question.

What did they find?

 

Like many things in life, it's an upward spiral.  Beliefs and events compile onto and feed off of each other.  People who consider themselves lucky smile more and make more eye contact.  This leads to more positive encounters and may create more opportunities. 

 

People who consider themselves lucky also say "Yes" to new opportunities, are willing to try new experiences, and interact with people who are different from themselves.  Being open in a positive way leads to experiences and opportunities which others may miss.

The Lucky One's exhibit more emotional elasticity, extracting more positive outcomes from bad situations.  I recently got a flat tire on a rainy day, found out the spare was bad and had to wait five and half hours for the flat to be repaired.  But as luck would have it, the Auto Club guy was my knight in shining armor. I was able to start a novel I wanted to read, I spent time with my mother and got a brand new tire, free!  

 

See the choice?  

 

I can tell that story many different ways but being the lucky girl that I am, I'm sure you can guess the version I choose. 

 

 

  So do you feel lucky?  Well, do ya? 

 

 

 

 

Love and light,

Cindy  

F

The Love No One Talks About

 

is Self-Love. 

I know it can sound a little hokey so start with the "Love" part. Write down 3 to 5 words which describe love.

My first thought was the bible verse on love, "Love is patient, love is kind." My other favorite when describing love is acceptance, unconditional acceptance.

What if you were patient with yourself?

What if you were kind to yourself?

What would your life be like?

Take your words from earlier and ask yourself, "What would my life be like if I was ____ to myself?"

That's what self-love is.

Love and light,

Cindy

Forward to friends and family or sign them up to receive newsletters here

To find out more about Cindy and her coaching or to schedule a session contact us at:

Email: Growmyself@gmail.com

Phone: 415.987.6983

It's December 31, 2010, and you...

are looking back on the year. What happened?

Grab pen and paper and write what you see. Visualize yourself in that moment - December 31, 2010. Record all the things that you notice. Record your surroundings if you can see them. Anddesire.jpg record your feelings; are you satisfied? Surprised? Energized? Proud of yourself?

What's different about December 31, 2010 compared with 12 months ago?

What's the same?

What did you accomplish in 2010?

What did you learn?

How do you know yourself better now than you did on January 1?

What advice does the December 31st, 2010 version of you have for you today?

And what does your gut or intuition tell you is the single most important focus this year?

Once you're done visualizing and recording, use this roadmap as the inspiration for your plan. Watch out for the "have to's" and the "This year, I really need to . . ." No, you don't. Plan to do the things in 2010 that inspire you, the things that are part of your larger life purpose. dreams.jpg

For more inspiration and structure,

see "What's Your Plan?"

And if you really want to "knock it out of the park" this year, call me for your free coaching session.

Love and light,

Cindy


Forward to friends and family or sign them up to receive newsletters here

To find out more about Cindy and her coaching or to schedule a session contact us at:
Email: Growmyself@gmail.com
Phone: 415.987.6983

Give Love This Holiday by Receiving It

The Art of Receiving

I am terrible at receiving gifts and not much better at letting people do things for me. Ask my family. They would rather do anything than give me a gift. And I'm not the only one. Many of us become plagued with guilt, expectations of reciprocity, a loss of power or control, even shame when we take what is being offered to us.

Graciously receiving requires vulnerability and openness. We allow the giver to impact us, to deepen the connection between us. And while it may be scary, isn't it what we're striving for? More intimate relationships? A deeper, more connected life?

While my family and friends probably haven't noticed, I've been better at receiving over the years. I recently moved and my friend Niki offered to drive my car the 100+ miles to my new home and take the train home. When she offered, my first instinct was "No way." It was too much to ask. But knowing Niki, she wanted to have this adventure. She wanted to come see me in my new home and she wanted to help me, as friends do. So I said yes.

And then a funny thing happened; both Niki and I got something out of it. We had a great time when she came to visit (accidentally destroying the better half of an aisle display in an overstocked Bed Bath and Beyond, a story we now laugh hysterically about.) She became a part of my new beginning and our friendship is fuller as a result.

This holiday season, the next time a friend or family member says, "Here, I want you to have this" or "Let me help you with that," take a deep breath, open your heart and say "Yes."

Forward to friends and family or sign them up to receive newsletter by clicking here

To find out more about Cindy and her coaching or to schedule a session contact us at:

Email: Growmyself@gmail.com
Phone: (415) 987.6983