The Wise One is the one who
LISTENS instead of talks.
(Chinese proverb)
I was in
my early twenties when that message came out of my fortune cookie. It was January, a new year, and I thought, "Ok, I'll try it. It's my turn to be quiet and listen." I was shocked; I was amazed. I felt like I was really seeing people, even my family members, for the first time. I had been so busy with the running dialog in my head, with what I wanted to say that I never saw people for who they were. It was myfirst experience with real, true listening and it was powerful stuff.
my early twenties when that message came out of my fortune cookie. It was January, a new year, and I thought, "Ok, I'll try it. It's my turn to be quiet and listen." I was shocked; I was amazed. I felt like I was really seeing people, even my family members, for the first time. I had been so busy with the running dialog in my head, with what I wanted to say that I never saw people for who they were. It was myfirst experience with real, true listening and it was powerful stuff. To listen without an agenda; to listen with only the intention of understanding the other person is an immeasurable gift to give. Whether it's business or personal, whether you are relationship building or repairing, to truly listen with empathy and understanding creates a powerful connection filled with trus
t, validation and support.
t, validation and support. In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey's habit #5 is "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." To learn empathetic listening as he calls it, practice these skills in progressive order:
1. Mimic content - listen to the speakers words and repeat them back
Friend: "I'm tired. It's been a long day and I'm glad it's over."
You: "You've had a long day and you're tired."
This seems easy but can be harder than you think.
Friend: "I'm tired. It's been a long day and I'm glad it's over."
You: "You've had a long day and you're tired."
This seems easy but can be harder than you think.
2. Rephrase the content
Friend: "I'm tired. It's been a long day and I'm glad it's over."
You: "You've worked really hard today and it's taken a toll on you."
Friend: "I'm tired. It's been a long day and I'm glad it's over."
You: "You've worked really hard today and it's taken a toll on you."
3. Reflect the feeling
Friend: "I'm tired. It's been a long day and I'm glad it's over."
You: "You sound drained and relieved."
Note that your response will take into account context, nonverbal cues and a history of knowledge about your friend, loved one, or associate. Any number of responses from you may be relevant depending upon the circumstances.
Friend: "I'm tired. It's been a long day and I'm glad it's over."
You: "You sound drained and relieved."
Note that your response will take into account context, nonverbal cues and a history of knowledge about your friend, loved one, or associate. Any number of responses from you may be relevant depending upon the circumstances.
4. Rephrase the content and reflect the feeling
Friend: "I'm tired. It's been a long day and I'm glad it's over."
You: "You worked hard today and are worn out. You sound relieved to be home."
Friend: "I'm tired. It's been a long day and I'm glad it's over."
You: "You worked hard today and are worn out. You sound relieved to be home."
Practice with relationships already on solid ground instead of ones in need of repair. Share that you are trying to learn a new skill to be a better friend, mate, coworker, etc.
I was in the early stages of a relationship when a misunderstanding arose. My feelings were hurt when he said something that I construed as insensitive. I voiced my hurt with him and the first thing he did was drop everything and intently listen. He wanted to make sure he understood what had happened and how I felt. Only then did he proceed to explain and apologize (seeking first to understand, then to be understood). I was floored. I had been listened to; I had been validated. And receiving his apology happened as naturally as breathing. He had been gracious, patient, kind and empathetic, not defensive, distrustful, or offended. And by what seemed to be osmosis, I felt that way too. Not only had our relationship been repaired but was on firmer ground than before.
Love and light,
Cindy
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